Doubting God

When I was about 12 years old(7th grade), my dad once asked me this question that has stuck with me. He asked me,

“Do you ever doubt God?”

When he had asked me that, I thought it was the craziest thing someone has ever asked me. In my mind I thought, “Of course I don’t doubt God! How could I ever doubt Him?!” I simply responded with, “No, why?” He told me about how from time to time as he got older the devil would attack him with doubts. At that moment, I learned that his question was something I was going to look out for in the future if I wanted to continue my life with God. I remembering praying there while sitting in the front of the car with him, praying both for his faith and the prayer of my future faith to be protected from the devil. It’s something I have continued to pray for.

It wasn’t until recently that I really felt doubt. It started at first with questioning my own faith, asking myself if my actions reflected my faith. In my mind, I didn’t think my actions were very faithful. That got to me really questioning my faith and how much I actually believe, which through that spiral of doubt had be doubting God Himself. I was confused to why I never felt Him anymore, why I never felt like reading the bible anymore, why I didn’t pray like I use to, why I never felt inspired for Him anymore, why I would do things I felt like He wanted me to do and find no results. I absolutely and most certainly knew Christ to be true in my mind, but I just couldn’t find it in my heart anymore. It hurt me. When I did pray, I always prayed the words from Mark 9:24

“I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” 

There were some times that I honestly just didn’t care about my faith. 

There is one truth however that I could not ignore. God is someone who I want to believe in. Whether or not He is true, He is someone I want to believe in. If this man died for me, was spit on, was made fun of, but took this punishment of ours, of mine, in such humility, than I want to serve that God! No matter how much I doubt myself, He still believes in me, no matter how disappointed I am in myself, He still loves me. No matter how much I want to just ignore Him, He’s right beside me. That is someone I want to believe in. 

The devil loves to remind us that we aren’t good enough for God. I don’t know about you, but that hurts me a lot and causes me a lot of confusion. But you know what the crazy thing is, God knew that before sending His Son on the cross to die for us. We will never be ‘good’ enough for God, but God isn’t asking us for our good deeds. He even tell us we can never earn His grace; it’s not by our works that we are saved. Faith saves us, giving our heart to Him saves us.

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