My Own Confession…

Name: Joshua Huffman

Age: 21

Location: Minnesota

Confession:

I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not who I pretend to be. I’m fakin’ it. I’ve been wearing this mask for all to long now. My actions don’t point to God. They don’t point to anything really, just myself. I’m far from being a Christian. Online, sure, I can fool anyone online. It’s easy to make myself look all godly online. This came to my complete realization and fell heavily on my heart from twitter. Recently I started following somewhere between 50 and 100 Christian accounts. Most of them work under anonymous names and are in high school. I see these kids posting new tweets every minute proclaiming their love for Jesus, scripture verses, and/or some kind of inspirational Christian quote. At first I thought it was great, and it is great to see this from the youth!

I was favoriting, retweeting, and making some of my own Christian tweets. I quickly gained about 70 new followers, quickly making me feel like a better Christian. While this was happening I was very conscious of my friends outside of twitter, you know the ones from real life. These are my friends I hang with all of the time. I realized that who I am online, is completely different then who I am offline. I can’t help but wonder what they thought of the difference in my real life actions and my online words. I felt horrible. I wear this Christian mask online in search for my own recognition and to gain my own set of followers.

 

I am completely guilty of living a life not pleasing to my Father in Heaven

 

I definitely create my own gods and put my trust in me before God. I obsess in TV shows, whatever my current task is and worrying about school. I serve myself and do things to make myself look good. I spend way too much time worrying about who I look to others. To every person I most look a certain way, to this person I most be the perfect Christian, to this person I most be the guy who doesn’t worry about things, etc, etc. I wear a Christian next lace, 3 Christian bracelets, one ring, and tons of different Christian shirts to make myself appear as a Christian, as if what I wear is going to save me. At the very core of it all, I’m realizing everything in my life has to be about me and I’ve never known how to make it about others.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been to Church. Instead, I convince myself that just watching Church online is good enough. After all, where does it say in the bible to go to Church? I read my bible every day, read Christian books everyday, and I watch Church online. But I’m missing the point that Church is about coming together as a body of Christ, being together in fellowship. The sad thing is, I don’t have a group of Christ seeking friends, and that is largely where my fall is.

In honoring the Sabbath, I can’t remember the last time I even had a day to rest. I’m constantly busy. I worship my schedule.

I’m sure my parents could agree that I don’t do the best at obeying them. I’m always telling my mom “no”, “later” with the intent of forgetting about it, or most commonly with some kind of sarcastic reply and then ignoring what she said all together. My father has to ask me a 100 times before I even consider doing what he says.

There isn’t a day that goes by that others do not annoy me. All it takes is one thing and I’m annoyed at that ‘stupid’ person Then I just can’t wait and plan out how I am doing to tell someone about how ‘stupid’ that person was. I make sure never to ‘hate’ anyone though, just strongly dislike.

Lust, don’t even get my started there. It lurks at every corner just calling out to me, pushing all my buttons, making me weak. I’ve seeked relationships that weren’t pleasing to God, but rather sought them out of my own desires. Thankfully, the Lord didn’t let them go through and stopped them before they got anywhere. I’m weak for women, but I am even more weak to girls that make me feel better about myself.

Instead of coveting, I just go out and buy it and make it the number one thing in my life. Why wish you could have something, when you can just go buy it, right? That will end the satisfaction, wrong. It only digs into a deeper search of more unsatisfying desires that leave you craving for more.

 

I am the guy who is too scared to share God’s Word. I cling to hope that maybe the mask I show these people will share them Christ. But how can actions do what words were designed for, to proclaim the death and resurrection of Jesus. God being God, always gives me perfect opportunities to share my faith, but instead of praying for help and the words to say, I pray God would make them change the subject so I don’t have to tell them about my love for Jesus, which just makes me wonder, do I really love God, or is that just another mask that I ‘m trying to convince God of?

The truth of it all is I am not perfect. I live in fear guided by my own desires. I have placed God 2nd or maybe even 4th or 5th in my life. I may proclaim to myself, to God and my online community that I love Jesus, but when all is said and done, I can’t put my words to actions.

What hurts the most is that despite all of this, I know Jesus still loves me, I know He still wants to use me. I know He has the power to make me new, but I’ve just lost feelings to all that. I’ve gained apathy. I’ve reached a point where the devil has been trying to get me at.

I wish I knew how to give it al back to God and truly mean it from the bottom of my heart. I know He can heal me.  I’ve just forgotten how to show excitement for the Lord. I’ve lost the courage, the wisdom, the strength, the self-control and all the many other blessings the Lord gives. I pray to receive it back.

 

I’m lost without the Lord; Christ is my light, my life. Without Him I am nothing. I just want my actions and my heart to realign with Christ. I know Christ accepts me the way I am, but I can’t accept myself unless I am completely living for Him.

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8 thoughts on “My Own Confession…

  1. Confessing is a start of a new heart as you did, I too have many fears that sometimes put God on the back burner, and I use to beat myself up over my mistakes, but with the Grace of God I am learning daily hope to boldly step out in front of my offline friends and proclaim my faith for the Almighty Lord, I will keep you in my prayers that the Lord will help you with your heart condition. Hang in there the Lord isn’t done with you.
    I encourage you to watch this video

  2. Hey buddy.

    All I can say is that satan really taunts and attacks God’s children. It’s the reason for all the temptations etc, as satan does not want you to grow in your relationship with God, so he uses things to keep you away from Jesus. I’ve noticed that satan does not bother people as much when he knows they aren’t a threat… use that as inspiration (because you are a threat to him) to make the change and to get the perseverance you need to overcome!

    I will pray with you bro!

    Be blessed!

    1. Thanks! Yeah I have noticed that too! He works hard to separate us from Christ because he fears the power of the Holy Spirit that we have within us because of the death and resurrection of Jesus. God Bless and have a great day!

  3. Joshua… as a grandmother and mom, I want to say “Praise the Lord God you are willing to see yourself as you REALLY are”. That’s the beginning! Yes we battle daily with our flesh, the world’s lures and the enemy’s taunting, BUT you are at a point where repentance begins. Repentance means doing an about-face… from your honest words, I hear the desire for that. Prayer is a very important place to start. Your Father in heaven loves you! Ask for His guidance, His Word is the strength we need.
    I am praying for you (and those aren’t just words)… I will keep you before the Throne of glory.
    Stephanie

    1. Thanks, means a lot! Yes we do, and somedays are harder than others. But not matter what Christ is still there for us. Romans 8:28 speaks a lot about that. Prayer is the best thing we can do, I rely on it heavily.

      Thanks again, God Bless and have a great day!

    1. Thank you very much! The more honest we are with ourselves, with God, and with others, the more God can use out weaknesses.

      Great, I’ll have to go and check it out!

      God Bless! 🙂

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