I’m really beginning to question having a journal. I feel it is making me week. It has started to allow me to open up to my feelings, but that is just the thing. I’m starting to feel I have to open up about all my feelings now. Feelings I never knew I had are emerging. It’s making me feel incredibly weak. I can’t be weak. I have to be strong. Weakness isn’t an option! It’s foolish to be weak! Isn’t it? I don’t know. I hate complaining. God has given me so much, what right do I have to complain? I know better than to complain. I know God has a plan. I know I have nothing to worry about. Sometimes I feel I force myself to worry, just so that I can feel weak and complain about it. I don’t like it. Not one bit! I need to be strong. God has my back, I have nothing to worry about, why do I feel the need to make myself weak? To bring myself down? I’m not sure. I guess a part of me wants to be weak, a part of me wants to struggle. I guess I can’t really complain about being weak though. For it is in our weakness that God makes us strong. 2 Corinthians 12:19 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” So wait! Now I shall question all of what I just said. Paul says he is going to “boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” That makes my head spin! Let’s start from the beginning of the verse now. God says “My power is made perfect in weakness.” So in our weakness God’s power is perfect. God’s power lies within our weakness. Well what about when we are strong? Well I guess when we are strong, we don’t need God. That changes things. LORD MAKE ME WEAK!!!! I DON’T WANT TO BE STRONG!! I now see why Paul is telling us he is going to boast about his weaknesses! The more weak we are, the more Christ dwells in us! Done, it is official, I am keeping my journal! Make me weak Lord! Make me struggle! Make me confused! AHH I am so excited!!! I am sooo glad Christ is in me! Okay, so what about my struggles with school. Obviously that is a huge weakness of mine. I have been relying on God like crazy to help me! O, I guess that is why my grades are slowly getting better. What about Anatomy though? That is only getting worse. I am, by my standards, screwed! I have to get 90% any everything to get a 70%…. I can’t do that, why has God brought me to that? He knows how much I work at that. How hard I study, how many hours I have locked away in my room studying, yet I keep getting worse… I keep relying on Him more, and it’s still getting worse? What does this mean? Lord I need help. Anatomy is causing me to doubt. Causing me to doubt that you are in my weakness. I need help! Help me to see you there! I am suppose to fail? That messes everything up Lord! Is that the point? I guess I have asked several times for you to put me in a situation to completely rely on you. I guess you are answering my prayer, careful what you wish for huh. Well awesome! okay Lord, thanks! I accept! I am scared as all can be! But take over, please take over! I can’t handle my life on my own, I need help! I need YOUR help! I give you the wheel Lord. Help me.