Journal Entry: I am weak Lord.

I’m really beginning to question having a journal. I feel it is making me week. It has started to allow me to open up to my feelings, but that is just the thing. I’m starting to feel I have to open up about all my feelings now. Feelings I never knew I had are emerging. It’s making me feel incredibly weak. I can’t be weak. I have to be strong. Weakness isn’t an option! It’s foolish to be weak! Isn’t it? I don’t know. I hate complaining. God has given me so much, what right do I have to complain? I know better than to complain. I know God has a plan. I know I have nothing to worry about. Sometimes I feel I force myself to worry, just so that I can feel weak and complain about it. I don’t like it. Not one bit! I need to be strong. God has my back, I have nothing to worry about, why do I feel the need to make myself weak? To bring myself down? I’m not sure. I guess a part of me wants to be weak, a part of me wants to struggle. I guess I can’t really complain about being weak though. For it is in our weakness that God makes us strong. 2 Corinthians 12:19 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” So wait! Now I shall question all of what I just said. Paul says he is going to “boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” That makes my head spin! Let’s start from the beginning of the verse now. God says “My power is made perfect in weakness.” So in our weakness God’s power is perfect. God’s power lies within our weakness. Well what about when we are strong? Well I guess when we are strong, we don’t need God. That changes things. LORD MAKE ME WEAK!!!! I DON’T WANT TO BE STRONG!! I now see why Paul is telling us he is going to boast about his weaknesses! The more weak we are, the more Christ dwells in us! Done, it is official, I am keeping my journal! Make me weak Lord! Make me struggle! Make me confused! AHH I am so excited!!! I am sooo glad Christ is in me! Okay, so what about my struggles with school. Obviously that is a huge weakness of mine. I have been relying on God like crazy to help me! O, I guess that is why my grades are slowly getting better. What about Anatomy though? That is only getting worse. I am, by my standards, screwed! I have to get 90% any everything to get a 70%…. I can’t do that, why has God brought me to that? He knows how much I work at that. How hard I study, how many hours I have locked away in my room studying, yet I keep getting worse… I keep relying on Him more, and it’s still getting worse? What does this mean? Lord I need help. Anatomy is causing me to doubt. Causing me to doubt that you are in my weakness. I need help! Help me to see you there! I am suppose to fail? That messes everything up Lord! Is that the point? I guess I have asked several times for you to put me in a situation to completely rely on you. I guess you are answering my prayer, careful what you wish for huh. Well awesome! okay Lord, thanks! I accept! I am scared as all can be! But take over, please take over! I can’t handle my life on my own, I need help! I need YOUR help! I give you the wheel Lord. Help me.

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Journal Entry: I am weak Lord.

  1. Thanks so much for sharing your journal! I really appreciate your transparency! We all need to be able to share our journey because God can use it to do amazing things! I love 2 Corinthians 12:19! I always reference that verse when I am feeling so weak and down-in-the-dumps. It is so amazing to think that in our weakness God’s power is made perfect. This semester I have been struggling with my grades and I have realized that I need God’s strength and help more than ever! Praying for you! School can be such a bummer! Check out this song, I love it so much! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K44DPMA5HnY

    1. No problem! Thank you very much! I have a hard time being open with people about my feelings, so I’m trying to use this as a way to help me… Yes me to! It’s one of my favorite verses! It helps remind me, I don’t have to be strong, because Christ is strong for me!.. Thank you very much, prayers out to you as well!. Okay I will check out that song as soon as I get home!

      Thanks and God bless!

  2. I just want to add an AMEN to Sarah’s comment. Joshua, being transparent is what all of us as His children are to be. You see, what is within our heart~~the LIGHT of the Holy Spirit needs to shine through for all to see! But I do know that we are all still sinners and being able to openly share that is a sign of spiritual growth! Continue on and be not discouraged, I am praying for you.
    ~streim~

  3. Joshua,

    Thanks be to God that you listen to the Holy Spirit whisper to your soul so that you can write them.

    How I wish when I was a young(er) man that I would have known this gift. It took much longer for me to learn how to identifymy feelings and work through them. I now understand this an expected is a symptom of spiritual health.

    I now understand that there is no need to be strong all of the time (even though our culture dictates that men must be emotionally strong, all of the time). It is a lie. You and I and all men were created with emotions that manifest in our feelings. Embrace them! this is what it means to be a (hu)man.

    God bless!

    1. Thanks be to God always!

      Yes, and thank goodness we don’t have to be “strong’ all the time. I am so ever grateful for the Holy Spirit guiding my soul. I believe you to be spot on! We shouldn’t run from our emotions and feelings, but rather give them to God, but open and real with Him. He knows our hearts better than we do after all, and who else better to guide us, than Him?

      Thanks for you comment! God bless you as well this Easter weekend!

      Peace,
      Joshua H.

  4. I admire how you balance school and spiritual growth. You’re far ahead of where I was spiritually at your age. School is important and you certainly want to try and make good grades to land a good job but I’ve found over the years that growing in faith provides more long term benefits and has prepared me for the challenges of a career much more than school.

    1. Thank you very much!

      From what little I know, I would have to agree. In all reality, our school grades are only an earthly thing. Where as our spiritual growth is eternal.

      Thank you for you comment! As always, it’s very much appreciated!

      God’s blessings and peace on you this Easter weekend!
      Joshua H.

What's on your mind?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s