This is a small excerpt from my (real) journal. I am just so amazed by God’s love for me, I had to share. Here is a piece of my heart. This is a first for me to share anything from my journal, where the truest thoughts of my heart lie. Below is what goes on with my on a daily baises. However it always cuts short after the first half. Never am I able to reach the second half of this train of thought. I beat myself up over the law, forgetting about the gospel. So this is me, sharing a piece of my heart.
God, I am weak. I don’t deserve you. I can’t even control myself out of sin. I just do it. With no desire to stop, I just continue. Knowing that I am disobeying you. But I ignore these thoughts. I let my own satisfaction win. Punish me! I deserve it! Make me fear you! Give me hell! I can’t live like this. I can’t represent you. I am the worse of them all. Why do you love me? Why do you come back to me? I don’t understand! I am only going to fail you again. I am only going to separate myself. I don’t deserve You. I ask again, punish me. What’s that? My punishment was paid? My punishment was paid through Jesus’ death? Why? He doesn’t deserve it. I deserve it. Not Him. Why did He die for the punishment of my sins? I should be punished for them. This isn’t right. This isn’t fair. I am undeserving of this. I am freed of my punishment. All you want is for me to love you? Why? You know I am going to fail you. The one thing I can count on me doing is to fail you. Yet you still love me. Care for me. Run to me. I am humbled before you Lord. I bow down before you. Your love is beyond my understanding. Thanks for being unfair. I am sorry for failures. I am at a lost of words. I shall give you silence and show you my awe.
- Forgive yourself, Jesus Already Did (communionwithjesus.wordpress.com)