Excerpt from my journal.

This is a small excerpt from my (real) journal. I am just so amazed by God’s love for me, I had to share. Here is a piece of my heart. This is a first for me to share anything from my journal, where the truest thoughts of my heart lie. Below is what goes on with my on a daily baises. However it always cuts short after the first half. Never am I able to reach the second half of this train of thought. I beat myself up over the law, forgetting about the gospel. So this is me, sharing a piece of my heart.

God, I am weak. I don’t deserve you. I can’t even control myself out of sin. I just do it. With no desire to stop, I just continue. Knowing that I am disobeying you. But I ignore these thoughts. I let my own satisfaction win. Punish me! I deserve it! Make me fear you! Give me hell! I can’t live like this. I can’t represent you. I am the worse of them all. Why do you love me? Why do you come back to me? I don’t understand! I am only going to fail you again. I am only going to separate myself. I don’t deserve You. I ask again, punish me. What’s that? My punishment was paid? My punishment was paid through Jesus’ death? Why? He doesn’t deserve it. I deserve it. Not Him. Why did He die for the punishment of my sins? I should be punished for them. This isn’t right. This isn’t fair. I am undeserving of this. I am freed of my punishment. All you want is for me to love you? Why? You know I am going to fail you. The one thing I can count on me doing is to fail you. Yet you still love me. Care for me. Run to me. I am humbled before you Lord. I bow down before you. Your love is beyond my understanding. Thanks for being unfair. I am sorry for failures. I am at a lost of words. I shall give you silence and show you my awe.

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4 responses to “Excerpt from my journal.

  1. Thanks a lot Josh, for allowing me to peek into your journal. You are no different from the rest of us. Our struggles are similar in many ways. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). But by the grace of God we will be victorious.

    Thanks a lot for sharing. God bless.

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